I Never Felt "AMERICAN" Enough


I grew up in St. Bonifacius, a small rural town an hour outside of the Twin Cities in Minnesota. The only non-white people were my family and a Korean adopted girl. One time, in elementary school, I nearly got into a fist fight with a girl on the bus because she told my sister and I, “Go back to your own country.” We promptly yelled back, “You go back to your own country!” She was in high school and I was in elementary school...but trust me, she would have gone down!

My family was poor.

I often wore the same outfit multiple days in a row and I only ever wore long sleeve shirts and wind breaker pants because I was embarrassed. At the time, I wasn’t sure what I was embarrassed of, but looking back, I never felt like I belonged. At school, I didn't look like my peers or teachers. At home, I felt like my parents didn't understand me.

I was an outsider everywhere.

By wearing sweatshirts and pants, I felt like I could hide. Silly, little Mykou.

Growing up Hmong American was hard and often times confusing.

Throughout my entire childhood and teenage years, I felt less intelligent and less valuable than my non-Hmong peers. I was an excellent student, even taking Advanced Placement classes in high school and doing extracurricular activities. But even then, I was too afraid to speak up. I was afraid I’d be found out as a fraud if I said something stupid.

I never felt “American” enough.

But I also never felt Hmong enough either. I couldn’t speak the best Hmong. I had strong opinions and the elders didn’t like it when I expressed them. I didn’t grow up in a super traditional Hmong home, so I didn’t understand the traditions and I didn't always do what was expected of a Hmong girl.

After college I got married to my amazing husband, Touger, and we moved to North Carolina where he studied at Duke University.

This was the first time that we had lived in a place with no Hmong community, meaning, we had to be friends with non-Hmong people!

*Gasp*

Our friends came from all over the globe. In addition to making American friends, we also made friends from Mexico, Taiwan, Korea, and the United Kingdom.

Most people had no idea who the Hmong people were, so we got really good at sharing the story of the Hmong people. And for the most part, they were fascinated.

When we first started hanging out with our non-Hmong friends, I remember feeling so awkward and out of place. On a number of occasions, I'd come home and say to my husband, “Ah! Why did I say that? It was so stupid!” or “I have no idea what they were talking about.”

The movies they watched, the music they listened to, and the expressions they used at times were unfamiliar to me. It was extremely hard (like grinding gears and feeling like I just wasn’t connecting with people). This went on for...probably a WHOLE YEAR!

One day, after landing my new job at Duke Law School, I went to have lunch with a Caucasian friend. I was telling her about the history of the Hmong people and about my family and the dinners we’d have together and the clothing I so loved.

She looked at me wide eyed and said, “I’m so jealous. I wish that I had as rich of a tradition and that I was as connected to my roots as you. Even eating as a family is so uncommon.”

I feel odd writing this but I have to be honest: I never thought that there’d be a white person who’d be jealous of what I had. 

For much of my life, unconsciously, I felt inferior to my Caucasian peers, so to hear that she wished she had what I had, that blew my mind. This conversation helped me to realized something significant:

My culture and my experience is just as valuable as any other culture and experience.

That realization was a huge turning point for me.

As our 2nd and 3rd year at Duke came, and as I continued to engage and connect with people who looked completely different from me, I became much more comfortable in my own skin. We regularly invited others to have dinner in our home, where we could share our culture and food with our new friends who came from extraordinarily different backgrounds than us. I learned that many of them loved nqaj qab hau (a traditional Hmong soup with chicken and herbs)!

It helped me not only appreciate my Hmong identity and roots, but it helped me to celebrate it. I started to see the importance of loving who I was as a Hmong American woman.

I realized that when I saw the beauty in my culture and when I shared it and celebrate it with others, they not only value it, but they're able to connect with me on a deeper and more authentic level.

Since having kids, embracing my Hmong identity has become even more important.

I don’t want my children to grow up believing in the lie that they have to look like everyone else to be beautiful or to have value. I don’t want them to sit in class, silent, because they don’t have the confidence to speak up, thinking they aren’t smart because they look and think differently. 

I don’t want them to be afraid to stand up for themselves if others make fun of them because of the shape of their eyes or the way they talk. I want them to have the courage to stand up for what they believe and to say no when they need to.

However, on the flip side, I don’t want them to become entitled, mean, and lazy. I don’t want them to think that they can get whatever they want, do whatever they want, and treat others poorly because they never had to struggle, because they never knew the history of their people: that the Hmong people came from struggle and everything that they now have, is a result of hard work and tears. 

I believe it's when we forget that we too came from a place of hardship and struggle, that we get this attitude of entitlement.

So what I want instead is for my kids to be confident in who they are, knowing that their rich history and culture makes them stronger, giving them more depth, and making them even more interesting as a human being. I want them to see that they have a unique perspective because of their experiences, and that perspective needs to be heard because it will enrich those around them and shed light on what was missing in the conversation.

I want them to be able connect with and relate to other people who have struggled: the immigrant, the single parent, the kid being bullied. I want them to be courageous enough to love those who are in difficult circumstances.

I want them to be humble and see other groups of people and to sit down and listen to their stories, because, they know what it’s like to be categorized as other, because they know that, even though they look different, they have so much in common.

It is essential for me to embrace the beautiful aspects of Hmong culture so that I can show my children that they are beautiful and that they have value.

It's ok if they don't to look and talk like everyone around them. In fact, it's a good thing.

I want them to know that being Hmong means they are a part of something bigger.

It means they have deep roots.

It means that they are resilient, that they love their families deeply, and that they work hard as heck!

It means that they love the earth and enjoy life and good food fully.

So, to that Caucasian girl who told me to go back to my own country, essentially telling me that I don't belong here, that I'm not "American" enough, I get it.

I'm cool with not being American enough. I don't need to be American enough ... whatever that means.

I'm Hmong American (and so much more). That means I do belong here. 

I now see that being stuck between two worlds, was actually a blessing instead of a burden.

I can teach my children how beautiful they truly are because I see myself more clearly. I am more whole.

And by embracing my hybrid identity and blending these two worlds, I get to create a new and beautiful world where I can thrive and help others thrive.

I started HmongBaby because I know how important it is to teach my children the Hmong language, but it’s not simply a language. Language is culture, and this is my way of letting them know that being Hmong is beautiful. It is valuable.

And the cool thing is, I get to share the story of the Hmong people with folks from all walks of life.

The hard work of learning about myself as a Hmong American woman has led me to become stronger, more confident, more courageous, and more whole. I am a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, and even a better American because of it.

:)

Mykou 

If you got this far, thank you for reading.

On another note: If you live in Minnesota, I invite you to my Book Release Party on Sat, June 2nd! Click HERE for more information :)

I would so love it if you could leave a comment and let me know what it was like for you growing up as a Hmong person in America :) What challenges did you experience? How did you overcome them?


11 comments


  • Judy Chang

    Hi. I just want to to say WOW! I feel like everything you had just said it’s me. I moved to Texas at a very young age (15 years old) . I am 28 years old now and still living in Texas . I had learn to love our Hmong culture and being an American Hmong woman here in Texas. You are such an inspiration to the Hmong community! I wish I was living in Minnesota, so I can meet you in person !


  • Mike C

    Thanks for sharing your story. Growing up, I got to experience the traditional Hmong culture as well as the Mormon/Christian American culture.
    Seems you have coupled too tightly the term American with caucasian.

    I have experienced what it means to NOT be Hmong enough because I do not embrace the value of GroupThink within the Hmong Culture.
    I think it is a dangerous/unsustainable framework evidently for over hundreds of years and still nowhere to call home for the Hmong people.
    Even today, the most hardcore Hmong People continue to live unsustainably in huts in Laos.

    Being American is embracing individualism and each individual has equal access to all opportunities without going through gatekeepers which makes this country AMAZING.
    It is the BEST framework of them all because it strengthens the individual. No other nation dares to invade America because “There would be a rifle behind each blade of grass”.

    If you were to build a simulation of 2 groups of people,
    1) GroupThink and 2) Individualism…
    Individualism would come on top in all areas including levels of wealth, happiness, and prosperity.
    In GroupThink, if you corrupt the leaders then you spoil the entire batch. Ask all the Socialist Liberal/Progressive GroupThink cultures in the history of humanity what happened.


  • Phuab

    Hello Mykou! You’re so inspirational to our Hmong community! I wish I could attend your Book Release Party. Keep up the good work!
    A little about me is that growing up as a Hmong American, I had troubles with speaking up and speaking what is on mind just like everyone else. Other than fearing raising my hand in class, I struggled with saying my opinions at home. Today, I felt like I’m the luckiest person becuase of the things I learned from my parents and my own experiences, has helped me grow over the years. I learned to appreciate and understand my parent’s perspective, expectations, and hopes; and my culture. I’m being simple and vague because my story is very similar to every other Hmong Americans’, but I would say that I am still growing and will learn so much more.
    I look forward to seeing your future works and will always support!


  • Tou

    Thanks for sharing. Sometimes I feel that my parents had to choose for us kids to be less traditional so that we can be more successful here in America. Even though we lived in a city with a large Hmong population we were shielded from our cousins and Hmong community and steered towards english and schoolwork. Looking back, as a family we all pretty much have 4 year degrees and I even have a doctor’s level degree. In that sense we are successful. But many of us speak very poor Hmong, none of can read/write Hmong and the the brothers have to learn how to do all this cultural stuff as 20-30 yr olds. Learning our culture when you can’t speak the language or when your Hmong vocabulary is limited is so hard. I guess its what we had to give up for a little bit of success. Word of advice to the Hmong youth, be proud of being Hmong and learn your language and culture when you are young and it is easier.


  • Mai Yia Vang

    Mykou,

    I have been telling myself, “I want to read more” leisurely. It is difficult for me to find something I am highly interested in or something I can relate to on a more personal or deeper level. However, I can’t get enough of reading your blogs. I love how thoughtful and genuine they are (YOU are). This blog, in particular, leaves me with something to reflect upon myself and my identity. I struggled with finding my identity when I was an undergraduate, and I have learned to accept who I am and where I am now. Also, I have stopped trying to fit in. I am better at standing out anyways, so I take advantage of it every opportunity in the most appropriate way possible.

    I went through a phase of despising the way I was raised as a Hmoob woman. Early on, my parents and relatives bragged about how “good” of a Hmoob girl I was. They praised me for staying home, for being obedient, for adhering to the rules by the book, and so on. Initially, my thought was to make my parents happy and for them to be worry-free. I did not rebel. I did not voice my opinion. I did not want to upset my parents, so I did as I was told. Growing up, I was shy, timid, and quiet. I was raised to be passive. Little did I know, this way of raising me and my siblings did us a great disservice living in America.

    When I was interning at a renowned hospital and was asked by one of my preceptors, “What are you doing here?” I was shocked and in disbelief by the question. Even more so, by the tone of her voice. Clearly, I was not prepared for this question and had never doubted my reasons why I wanted to go into the medical field in the first place. I was speechless and did not have a good response for her. I could’ve, should’ve but didn’t. I could have asked her why she was questioning me that. I should have said, “The same reasons why we are all here.” I didn’t. I share this story because it is crucial to SPEAK UP for yourself, and I was never raised that way. If you don’t, nobody else will. It may sound silly to say this but practice speaking up and voicing your opinion in a respectful manner. You get better by saying it out loud. In addition, have the courage to question someone in a higher position and establish good rapport with people sooner than later so they don’t have to second guess your intent.

    I am 30 years old now, and I don’t resent the way my parents raised me. It was the way they knew how. It was how they were brought up. I keep an open communication and have a positive relationship with both my parents. They try their best to understand me, and that is all I could ask for from them.

    I would like to share something interesting that I have witnessed regarding the Hmoob language. My niece, who is 11, was able to speak fluently in Hmoob at the age of 2, but now, she couldn’t. One, she finds that her peers and teachers couldn’t understand her and they prefer English. Two, it is hard for her to continue to speak in Hmoob because there were real no incentive and reinforcement. My parents would speak Hmoob to her, and she would reply back in English. Somehow, that works for them.

    Whenever we have a family function, I would ALWAYS come up some creative ways to have the kiddos speak Hmoob. A simple game I like to play is “Family Quarter”. I would select one person to identify a family member (niam, txiv, pog, yawg, tias, tij laug, etc.), and if they get it right, they get a quarter. For example, if the person’s mother’s name is Yer, I’d say “niam” and correct response would be “Yer”. They hear the word and associate it with a name. It’s simple and easy for little ones to engage in. Sometimes, I would challenge them by adding a timer. Another fun and easy game is Simon Says in Hmoob. It is important to me to keep the language alive, and it is something I can do within my control to maintain my native tongue. I deeply encourage you all to find ways to keep the Hmoob language going because it will become extinct within a century or so according to some research.

    BTW, I love your books/flash cards. I can’t wait to see what other projects you will come up with in the future! I also love your songs, especially, “Xaav Moog Xaav Lug”. Keep up the wonderful and authentic work, and I look forward to meeting you one day!

    XOXO


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